to Hear, to be Here, and to have NO Hair

The first thing people think of when it comes to chemotherapy is the fact that they will lose the hair.  **Just a quick fact--- not all chemotherapy regiments make you lose your hair, it really depends on how aggressive the chemo is.  Did you know that not only do you lose your scalp hair, you can lose all hair?  Yup even eyelashes and eyebrows.
It's actually crazy that the first thing you think of instantly is something so entirely minor.  I mean how selfish is one to worry about hair loss when the bigger battle is cancer.  
From the time I found out I was going to have to do chemo, I really couldn't stop thinking about my hair--and of course about the vomiting factor.  When I met with the doctors at Dana Farber, I was really hoping that they would tell me that I wouldn't lose my hair.  When they told me that they had another alternative from the BEP chemo my hair really became the last thing on mind.  In preparation to this massive life event, I figured it would be best to get a short pixie cut.  I got my pixie cut immediately following my Dana Farber appointment.  I know I looked good in a short hair cut but, knowing why I had to cut it made the experience sad.

I began my first chemo treatment on March 24th, that's when the waiting game began.  You know your going to lose your hair, I mean its inevitable.  The question is when am I going to lose my hair?  Will it be all at once?  Will it be in the shower?  Will it be on my bed pillow?
Every morning I would wake about and instantly turn and check out my pillow.  After not seeing hair on my pillow, the next step would be to examine the drain in the shower.  I begin rationalizing it my head, that when it goes I would have no attachments.  With all the time waiting I began to prepare losing my hair.
About a week after my treatment I began to notice that my hair had no volume, it was already so lifeless.  It was weird.  You know the feeling you get when you pull on your hair? kind of like OUCH... Yeah well I no longer at the ouch.  It was like my roots were dead already.
On Saturday April 9th, a little after 2 weeks of treatment, I was at my sister's house.  My scalp was feeling like it had a major sunburn.  When I went to fix my sideburns from my pixie cut, an entire chunk of hair came out.  I knew the time had come.  My sister and I definitely made light of the situation.... slowly we began pulling the hair out and putting it on a piece of white paper.  The way it would come out was so odd... Rather than pulling my hair from front to back, the only way the hair would come out was when I would pull it against the grain-from back to front.

My sister making the situation comfortable!

The time had finally come!  I mean this was the last thing I was waiting for.  At the same time I knew this was going to be the one thing that illustrates that I have cancer.
So my sister and I went to my house.  I washed my hair to get out more hair, and more did come out.  I then blowed dried my hair.  I knew it was time to stick to my plan, which was the moment the hair began to fall I would take the clippers to it.
When my sister plugged in the clippers she told me I had to do the first shave.  It was something I needed to do.  The minute I held the clippers, the emotions took over.  I cried hysterically.  The big "Why Me"and the"I hate this" took over... after my first clip my sister took the clippers and finished the rest for me.  I sobbed like a baby while my head was in the sink.  I remembered seeing all my hair, and tears everywhere.  When it was done, I looked in the mirror and noticed I had an amazing shaped head--luckily.

At the end of the day there is absolutely no way you can prepare for this.  It was something I had to acknowledge.  It was a loss no matter which way you think about it.  Then again can you ever be prepared for what life does or doesn't bring you?   It was scary, and it did feel really weird at the time.   After my sister left I sat in the bathroom and cried.  I shared an intimate moment with myself, with this journey, and with my feelings.  I knew I would be OK but, I also knew it was important to have this moment.
**on a different note---- I now get ready in less time than Mike, I can sleep in about an additional 15 minutes because my prep time --not needed, I have saved close to $70-$80 every 2 months in color/cuts, I used a travel bottle of baby shampoo the entire 18 weeks, and during the hot nights of summer--I was cool!
At the end I can still Hear all the amazing sounds like nature and my husbands kind voice.  I am still Here to talk about it all.  Yes I may not have Hair but I do have an amazing shaped head.

Greenery and Breweries

With last Friday being our Fifth wedding anniversary we knew we were going to celebrate it differently than all others.  Living in New England were so fortunate to have so many nearby places to visit.  Not only are there so many nearby places/states to visit, there is so much history that exists up and down New England.
Since both of us had never been to Vermont we figured let's give it a twirl.  We headed out Friday afternoon, and we were heading to Woodstock, Vermont.  A nice 3 1/2 hour drive provided us lots of time to talk, and reflect on the past five years.   We went out to dinner, and headed back to hotel.  ** your probably reading this thinking 'wow, that's pretty uneventful'---keep in mind I am not providing details after dinner.
After eating breakfast, we proceeded our way into downtown Woodstock.  Fortunately the town was having a annual fair.  All local shops had sidewalk sales, and all local places were providing tastings.  By 1pm we had sampled about 10 different wines, three different vodka's (which were made from maple syrup- yummy), and a local whiskey.  Needless to say, we were feeling good.

We did some walking to take in the scenery, and try to walk off all the tastings.  We couldn't help but to enjoy the tranquility and be relaxed.

After walking through Woodstock and taking in the town, the locals, and the scenery.  We decided to go visit the Harpoon Brewery.   There are tons of breweries in Vermont however, this brewery was close by and it had great reviews.  Another reason is because, who doesn't love IPA?!  I mean really!  

The tour was $5 and you received a sample glass, and a 45 minute walk through.  At first I was excited about the beer but the actual tour was completely educational!  We were able to sample some 'green' beer.  Not that the beer was actually green but it was unfiltered and very cloudy.  I would have taken a picture to share--my hands were full !!  At the end very end of the tour you were able to try as many beers they had on tap as you wanted.  Talk about chug, chug, chug!

After the brewery tour we decided to eat lunch there.  It was probably better that we get something in our stomach before getting behind the wheel to come home.

It was a quick trip to say the least.  More importantly was that we were able to remove ourselves from the area/house.  We were able to enjoy each other and nature.  The time we had in the car to discuss the past five years, and where we see each other in the next five was special.   We talked about things that we never have a chance to discuss in quiet.  Just being able to celebrate our five year anniversary really is a special marking!  

Waiting Rooms and waiting

Do you know that Chemotherapy has agent orange agents mixed into the toxic liquid that gets pumped into veins?  Well it does.  Its hard to imagine how your body is going to respond to Chemo.  I mean its not like there is a "What to expect when expecting" book out there but, only for chemo.  Actually the first thing the doctors, nurses, and other fellow patients will say is - everyone is different.  Really comforting--not so much---especially if your a control freak like me.
My first day of chemo was when I first realized I have cancer.  I remember being in the backseat of my sister's van, and wondering if I was going to vomit.  There were so many things going through my head just because I really didn't know how I was going to react to the chemo.  As much as I hate vomiting, I had convinced myself that I was going to stick it out because it may be inevitable.
When I got off the elevator to the second floor -which is the blood draw floor- I sat amongst dozens of people.  Some who had already lost their hair, some wearing masks and gloves, some who could barely walk, and others who made the ordeal seem easy.  It was so surreal sitting in that waiting room.  You really can't help but to stare at people.  It certainly was not because I was being nosey it was more on behalf of my fear.  That very moment it occurred to me that I now belong to another demographic.  I have another group that I belong to--- a Warrior group.  We all share the same drive, FIGHT.
As I returned to all six treatment appointments I knew of one thing, and that was to keep fighting.
With the treatments being all done my appointments are now every three months.  My follow up appointment was yesterday, August 11th, and as I waited in the waiting room the fear came back.  It was the same fear that I had when I didn't know what to expect.
I'm so lucky to say that my blood work came back indicating that everything is well!  Great news couldn't have come on a better week! Time to go celebrate my Five year anniversary with my Amazing Husband!

ahh the Finger....

The night before each chemo treatment I had to take five small pills of steroids.  The morning of chemo I had to take another five, and then right before I began my chemo treatment I had to take several more.  I could never understand why I was always so hungry, then it occurred to me that I was taking 'juice'.  Ha! I mean don't get me wrong, I certainly didn't look like Jose Conseco by any means.
Over the course of the 18 weeks of treatment my body kindly accepted 12lbs- the nerve!  I guess if I was losing weight there would have been other problems I would have had to worry about it.  So if the 12 pounds is all I packed on, then I guess I'm lucky it was only 12.
The toughest thing with the weight gain and being swollen definitely was the fact that I couldn't wear my wedding rings.  It broke my heart when I had to take them off, and now it breaks my heart that I can't get them back on.  Mike wears them on his necklace, near his heart which is sweet but I miss them.

My poor rings certainly couldn't fit on these sausages!

I guess there are bigger things to be heartbroken about but, approaching my five year wedding anniversary it saddens me that -at this time- I am unable to wear my beautiful wedding rings.

On a brighter note----  If I'm driving and you piss me off, or cut me off - my middle finger extends perfectly, and now its nice and plumpy!  You definitely won't miss it!

my NORMAL now....

To begin understanding my journey, I'll need to time back to October 2006.  Just three months after marrying my best friend, I missed my period.  As much as I would have loved to been a mommy I think I was in love with just being a newlywed.    All my good friends would say "Oh- its just the stresses from the wedding that my have thrown your period off schedule". I figured- heck next month I'll get it check next month when I go for my routine pap smear.
My doctor at the time was proactive and decided to have an ultrasound performed just to make sure everything internally looked good.  The following morning after my ultrasound, I got the phone call that my doctor was referring me to OB surgeon.  The ultrasound illustrated I had a mass on my ovary but it appeared to be a fibroid.   In January 2007 I had surgery and had this 'mass' removed.    The pathology came back that the mass was in fact a Granulosa Cell Tumor --- cancer.  I then had to see an oncologist.  At  the age of 26, I had absolutely no clue what an oncologist even was!  The oncologist suggested another surgery be done to have my right ovary, fallopian tube, and several lymph nodes removed to see if the cancer had spread.    All I remembered about both surgeries was that they were performed on Thursdays, my biggest concern was coming home to see Grey's Anatomy!
Years went by and Mike (my husband) and I began traveling.  It was important to us that we enjoy life to the fullest.  Dreams are so important to us, it really is the reason why we work so hard....
By 2009/2010 our failed attempts of having a family really began to weigh heavy on us.  By this time I'm almost 30, all of our friends and family are having children.  Baby showers were like invitations to be sucked into awful conversations that always seemed to begin "When are you going to have a baby", "What are you waiting for"..... it's amazing how insensitive some people can be.  In October 2009 I was a day late-  yes only 1 day late- I decided to pee on a stick.  Low and behold that stick had 2 lines!  At this point I was so obsessed with getting pregnant I was buying pregnancy tests in bulk.  When I ever saw two lines, I was beyond excited!  Two days later the doctor told me my level rather than multiplying were now declining which meant I would be seeing blood soon.  It was heart breaking to say the least.  At the point the fire that was burning inside me to have a baby began to burn harder.  I became obsessed with wanting a baby!  Mike and I turned to fertility!
We began doing fertility in January 2010.  We started with insemination's (IUI).  We did two, and both failed.  We decided to take the month of April off, and then pick up again in May.  By May I began to notice that my period was late.  I figured with all the hormones I took, maybe it was enough to throw off my cycle.  By the time I got my period, I was 48 days late.    The next time I got my period was 7 months later. 
Doctors had noticed a cyst on right side but, they didn't feel concerned because they thought it was remnant tissue from my surgery and the remnant tissue was stimulated from hormones.  Doctors decided to do a laproscoptic surgery in February to remove the remnant tissue.  During surgery they cut me open across because what they thought was remnant tissue was in fact a re occurrence of cancer.  What was suppose to have been a 45 minute procedure turned into a two hour surgery.
After being wheeled into my hospital room, the doctor then informed me that the next step would be chemo.  The suggested chemo was BEP- which would have been five days a week, six hours a day, every three weeks for a total of four times.  My first thought-  if the cancer doesn't kill the chemo will!  I listened to my instinct and decided to get a second opinion at Dana Farber in Boston.  Dana Farber was amazing!  The doctors suggested different alternatives for chemo, they talked family, they never once made me feel as though I was rushed out of the room.  All my questions were answered.
I began my first of six treatments on March 24, 2011.  I have done six treatments in total (one every three weeks).  My last treatment ended on July 7, 2011 (7/7/11--- lucky numbers right?)...  
I'm now back on the journey to recovery both mentally and physically.  I definitely do not know what the future has in store for me but, I do know that my life has changed.  The person I was five years ago certainly is not the person today.  Sometimes I feel blessed to have had cancer - strange right?! I feel blessed because I see things so differently, I'm so much more appreciative of the finer things in life.  Family- WOW!  The support I have received from family has been endless, I don't know how I will ever be able to repay them for the support that have provided.
Friends- AMAZING!  I have some of the best friends one could ask for.  My friends would check in daily.  We would all laugh about being bald (and not just on my head).  Most of all they would let me cry when I would have my bad days.
Husband- PRICELESS!  My husband has come home everyday with a hug, and he would always tell me that I was beautiful.  He cried with me many nights, he would hold my hand when I was scared, watched me shave my hair, made me comfortable the days I lay in pain, he prayed for me before he would pray for himself, and would help me walk when I had no energy.  He's love has been unconditional.  Our vow that in sickness and in health has been honored.