to Hear, to be Here, and to have NO Hair

The first thing people think of when it comes to chemotherapy is the fact that they will lose the hair.  **Just a quick fact--- not all chemotherapy regiments make you lose your hair, it really depends on how aggressive the chemo is.  Did you know that not only do you lose your scalp hair, you can lose all hair?  Yup even eyelashes and eyebrows.
It's actually crazy that the first thing you think of instantly is something so entirely minor.  I mean how selfish is one to worry about hair loss when the bigger battle is cancer.  
From the time I found out I was going to have to do chemo, I really couldn't stop thinking about my hair--and of course about the vomiting factor.  When I met with the doctors at Dana Farber, I was really hoping that they would tell me that I wouldn't lose my hair.  When they told me that they had another alternative from the BEP chemo my hair really became the last thing on mind.  In preparation to this massive life event, I figured it would be best to get a short pixie cut.  I got my pixie cut immediately following my Dana Farber appointment.  I know I looked good in a short hair cut but, knowing why I had to cut it made the experience sad.

I began my first chemo treatment on March 24th, that's when the waiting game began.  You know your going to lose your hair, I mean its inevitable.  The question is when am I going to lose my hair?  Will it be all at once?  Will it be in the shower?  Will it be on my bed pillow?
Every morning I would wake about and instantly turn and check out my pillow.  After not seeing hair on my pillow, the next step would be to examine the drain in the shower.  I begin rationalizing it my head, that when it goes I would have no attachments.  With all the time waiting I began to prepare losing my hair.
About a week after my treatment I began to notice that my hair had no volume, it was already so lifeless.  It was weird.  You know the feeling you get when you pull on your hair? kind of like OUCH... Yeah well I no longer at the ouch.  It was like my roots were dead already.
On Saturday April 9th, a little after 2 weeks of treatment, I was at my sister's house.  My scalp was feeling like it had a major sunburn.  When I went to fix my sideburns from my pixie cut, an entire chunk of hair came out.  I knew the time had come.  My sister and I definitely made light of the situation.... slowly we began pulling the hair out and putting it on a piece of white paper.  The way it would come out was so odd... Rather than pulling my hair from front to back, the only way the hair would come out was when I would pull it against the grain-from back to front.

My sister making the situation comfortable!

The time had finally come!  I mean this was the last thing I was waiting for.  At the same time I knew this was going to be the one thing that illustrates that I have cancer.
So my sister and I went to my house.  I washed my hair to get out more hair, and more did come out.  I then blowed dried my hair.  I knew it was time to stick to my plan, which was the moment the hair began to fall I would take the clippers to it.
When my sister plugged in the clippers she told me I had to do the first shave.  It was something I needed to do.  The minute I held the clippers, the emotions took over.  I cried hysterically.  The big "Why Me"and the"I hate this" took over... after my first clip my sister took the clippers and finished the rest for me.  I sobbed like a baby while my head was in the sink.  I remembered seeing all my hair, and tears everywhere.  When it was done, I looked in the mirror and noticed I had an amazing shaped head--luckily.

At the end of the day there is absolutely no way you can prepare for this.  It was something I had to acknowledge.  It was a loss no matter which way you think about it.  Then again can you ever be prepared for what life does or doesn't bring you?   It was scary, and it did feel really weird at the time.   After my sister left I sat in the bathroom and cried.  I shared an intimate moment with myself, with this journey, and with my feelings.  I knew I would be OK but, I also knew it was important to have this moment.
**on a different note---- I now get ready in less time than Mike, I can sleep in about an additional 15 minutes because my prep time --not needed, I have saved close to $70-$80 every 2 months in color/cuts, I used a travel bottle of baby shampoo the entire 18 weeks, and during the hot nights of summer--I was cool!
At the end I can still Hear all the amazing sounds like nature and my husbands kind voice.  I am still Here to talk about it all.  Yes I may not have Hair but I do have an amazing shaped head.